SubscribeHow To Survive If Your Life Becomes A Movie
Posted on Dec 19, 2007 under How To Movies, How To Survival |Do you ever worry about this, or is it just me? You know - like if Morpheus sent you a phone and started telling you what was about to happen?
Or say tomorrow you discover new powers - flying or x-ray vision or super-strength.
Perhaps you simply discover your best friend (who just happens to be Mos Def) is actually a hitchhiking alien writing a travel guide about Earth, which just so happens is about to be destroyed.
Do you know what you would do? Do you have a plan? Are you prepared if things that only happen in the movies begin to happen to you?
First things first, don’t panic.
You’re going to have to accept your new situation for what it is. You can’t spend a lot of time dwelling on the fact that you are now responsible for saving the world or that your car is actually a robot from another planet.
It’s important to have a plan. For example - I know that if I wake up one day and figure out that I’m either A) The last person on Earth or B) One of the last people on Earth, one of the first things I’m going to do is head to Wal-Mart or a large sporting goods store for supplies. Then I’ll probably hit the road in search of survivors or possible zombies.
Also, if somebody I don’t know approaches me with a briefcase, envelope, computer disk, or package and then quickly disappears leaving me with a bunch of questions - I will immediately begin to look out for possible assassins as somebody will be coming to kill me.
Here are a few basic rules that will help you make it through the next hour and a half.
1. If the car, the boat, house or building you are currently in is about to blow up, run quickly towards the nearest person filming the situation. Anybody holding a camera - run towards them and dive in front of them just below the camera’s sight line.
2. In dealing with super-viruses or similar world ending epidemics - you’ll need to locate a good looking female doctor. It doesn’t really matter if she’s a podiatrist or neurosurgeon, as long as she’s wearing a white doctor’s coat and stethoscope when you first find her, she’ll be able to help you with an antidote.
3. Always believe your dreams. They are almost always 100% accurate in predicting the future.
4. When being shot at don’t worry because whoever is shooting at you is most likely the worst shot in the world. If you have a gun or get a chance to pick one up, shoot in their general direction and you’ll take them out. Or you can always throw a knife at them.
5. If you do get shot, it’ll just be a flesh wound. You’ll still be able to do whatever you want unlike your regular unmovielike life where a paper cut will generally ruin your day.
6. If you need to locate a villain, look in Chinatown.
7. It will take you two tries to diffuse the bomb. No matter what you do your first attempt will only cause the bomb to begin counting down twice as fast. In the end it’s just best to close your eyes and cut a random wire.
8. When trying to escape if somebody’s chasing you, look for a bus - but not to get on and ride. Simply head for the other side of the bus, and when it moves out of the way, you’ll be gone. Trains also work well in situations like this.
9. If you find yourself hiccuping, coughing, or sneezing you are not in a movie situation. These things just don’t happen. Unless somebody around you coughs. They are most likely terminally ill and about to die.
10. If you have to kill a bad guy, you probably are going to need to chop his head off as any other method - shooting, stabbing, burning, drowning, pushing down stairs, or simply beating - is going to allow him to get back up and try to kill you again.
These ‘rules’ should keep you alive if your life happens to become a movie. If you think I’ve forgotten an important one, please share with us as the safety of the world might depend on it.
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by Beth, on December 19 2007 @ 4:51 pm
We’re soul-mates. I already have an old cabin picked out in the woods, with supplies of rubber bands, paper clips and Bic Pens, because if the world ends and I have to fight Zombies- I’m doing it MacGyver style.
by witchypoo, on December 19 2007 @ 5:34 pm
I think you have it covered. Clever post!
by Karen, on December 19 2007 @ 6:18 pm
I’d say you covered most everything. It’s always a plus to have a hottie girlfriend who gets kidnapped or something. Also, wear running shoes and ear plugs, and don’t forget your haz mat gear when killing infectious zombies who used to be your friends. Use an ax and make sure the head is ALL THE WAY OFF. Wear eye protection. Carry a can opener. And a really big knife, the kind that is illegal in most civilized countries. Also, don’t be a woman. Women do not save the day, just guys. And if you DO have a hottie girlfriend, watch out for her when you’re running away, because she IS going to trip and fall. Guaranteed.
by How2Blogger, on December 19 2007 @ 6:42 pm
Beth: Another thing we should probably have more for recreation and sport rather than necessity would be some records - you know, vinyl. If I do get the chance to kill some zombies I would love to try throwing a few records at the suckers - like “Shaun of the Dead.” But only if the zombies happen to be of the slow moving ‘Shaun of the Dead’ type of Zombie. If they’re ‘28 Days Later’ fast and crazy forget about it.
WitchPoo: Thank you, I spend a lot of time thinking about things like this.
Karen: You’re spot on everywhere except for the fact that women DO save the day. Sandra Bullock in “The Net.” Need I say more?
by Alice, on December 19 2007 @ 9:20 pm
If you’re the guy, please don’t be old & ugly! The worst may happen and you & the hottie may have to re-populate the planet. Those of us on other planets watching thru our super-scopes DO NOT want to see Bruce Willis doing his bit for humanity (so to speak)! So if you’re old and feeling heroic, please step aside so you don’t embarrass yourself and gross us out.
by Beth, on December 19 2007 @ 10:51 pm
Karen- you made some excellent remarks. The hottie girlfriend must also be wearing clothing not appropriate for end of the world survival. And her hair will stay in place the entire time she’s killing things and falling.
How2: I have a huge collection of old 45s- including “Ghostbusters.” This is a must and I’ll put it in my survival gear bag along with my Fisher Price wind-up record player. And a few of those pinkish balls we used to play dodge ball with-these can be used as weapons as well as recreation during the down time.
Alice: Who would you rather have? Bruce Willis or Billy Bob Thornton? Think about it really hard.
by Karen, on December 20 2007 @ 5:31 am
Beth you are so right. Hottie girlfriend needs to be barely dressed and have tons and tons of squeaky clean perfectly brushed hair at all times. And lots and lots of cleavage. The kind that stands up by itself (ie. fake). Oh, and personally, I’d rather see Bruce do the nasty with hottie than Billy Bob…BB is just too smelly looking.
How2 I’ll concede Sandra Bullock, but she’s a kick ass kinda girl and a great actress to boot. Now, name me a movie that someone OTHER than Sandra saves the world. I’ll never forget her as the hottie in Judge Dredd. She was hilarious.
by Heather in Beautiful British Columbia, on December 20 2007 @ 11:13 pm
Haha… I thought it was only us women who worried about all the ‘what ifs’…
Thanks for putting me on to the Entrecard site - it’s great and started bringing me traffic almost immediately (which is going to translate into better Izea opps - which translates to more money, which is very cool!!!).
I approved you first - so you’re in ‘the spot’!!!
Merry Christmas
by How2Blogger, on December 20 2007 @ 11:48 pm
Beth: I have ‘Gremlins’ on records - you know the ones that you got from Burger King?
Karen: Sigourney Weaver. Alien. Oh and Sandra Bullock in Speed.
Heather: Thanks for letting me be first!
by Karen, on December 21 2007 @ 8:47 am
How could I forget the Alien movies!! I loved them. Will you at least admit that you see more tripping over their heels hotties in save the world movies than you do hotties actually saving the hero? And I think Keanu Reeves saved the day in Speed, didn’t he? Also, Sigourney kinda went bad in that last movie didn’t she? I wish I could remember the damn things longer than the 10 minutes it takes me to get out of the theater.
by Bubbles, on December 21 2007 @ 9:02 am
Just 1 thing missing -
BE PREPARED (Scout’s Motto)
How about all the handy dandy devices that Batman and 007 always have on them Huh?
by BlogsWeLuv - Blog Reviews » Blog Archive » How2Blogger - A blog we luv, on January 9 2008 @ 4:05 am
[...] How to survive if your life becomes a movie - In the off chance that this should actually happen to you, it doesn’t hurt to have a little insight and guidance to help you adjust to living in a movie. [...]