Aside from the occasional stalker, there haven’t been too many times that I’ve found myself being followed. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be ready for the situation and be prepared to recognize if somebody is following you. There are several methods you can use to determine if you are in fact being followed.

That being said, you should also know that there will be times when it will be more likely that you are being followed. So if any of the following scenarios apply to you, then yes, that guy with the sunglasses and ball cap is most likely tailing you.

Have you recently:

• Taken photos of somebody with the intent of using said photos in a blackmail scheme?
• Come into an enormous sum of money (in cash form)?
• Had an affair?
• Set your partners up to take the fall while you get away (with the cash)?
• Cut somebody off in traffic that really just took it way too personal?
• Sold classified secrets to a rogue state?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these statements, then it’s quite possible that you are being followed. If you answered no, that doesn’t mean you are in the clear - you should still consider employing the following maneuvers and tactics to determine if you are in fact being followed.

How To Determine If You Are Being Followed While Driving

1. If the suspected car is a Ford Crown Victoria - then stop right here, because you are being followed.

2. If it’s not a Crown Vic, then we’re going to have to do a little detective work and observe the suspected car following you using your mirrors as you make 3 or 4 turns.

3. If after multiple turns the suspect vehicle is still behind you, signal one direction and abruptly turn the opposite direction.

4. If the car is still following you, it’s now probably safe to assume that they are following you.

How To Determine If You Are Being Followed While On Foot

1. First, you don’t want your tail to know that you are onto them, if in fact they are tailing you. So avoid turning around to look at them. To observe and gain details about them (height, weight, clothing, etc…) try to use reflective surfaces like shop windows and doors. Even better is if you own a pair of ’spy glasses’ that have the mirrors on the outside edge so that you can see behind you. These can be obtained through various brands of cereal or sometimes in a surveillance store. If you answered yes to any of the questions in the previous list, than these might be a good investment for you.

2. Begin walking in an erratic path - like the driving scenario - by making a few turns or crossing the street (not at a crosswalk).

3. Head into a store and see if they follow you.

4. While you are trying to determine if you are being tailed, remain in public places and avoid such pitfalls as dark alleys or abandoned warehouses.

5. If you’ve altered your path consistently and observed the person following you for some time, then it’s probably safe to assume that they might be following you.

6. If you do turn around and they quickly raise a newspaper as though they are reading - this is a dead giveaway of a tail.

Once you’ve determined that you are being tailed you can begin evasive maneuvers to lose your tail. Luckily for you dear reader, I have quite a bit of experience in following and being followed which I will be sharing in a future article. So in the meantime - practice these techniques as they might one day help you to determine if you are being followed.

Do you ever worry about this, or is it just me? You know - like if Morpheus sent you a phone and started telling you what was about to happen?

Or say tomorrow you discover new powers - flying or x-ray vision or super-strength.

Perhaps you simply discover your best friend (who just happens to be Mos Def) is actually a hitchhiking alien writing a travel guide about Earth, which just so happens is about to be destroyed.

Do you know what you would do? Do you have a plan? Are you prepared if things that only happen in the movies begin to happen to you?

First things first, don’t panic.

You’re going to have to accept your new situation for what it is. You can’t spend a lot of time dwelling on the fact that you are now responsible for saving the world or that your car is actually a robot from another planet.

It’s important to have a plan. For example - I know that if I wake up one day and figure out that I’m either A) The last person on Earth or B) One of the last people on Earth, one of the first things I’m going to do is head to Wal-Mart or a large sporting goods store for supplies. Then I’ll probably hit the road in search of survivors or possible zombies.

Also, if somebody I don’t know approaches me with a briefcase, envelope, computer disk, or package and then quickly disappears leaving me with a bunch of questions - I will immediately begin to look out for possible assassins as somebody will be coming to kill me.

Here are a few basic rules that will help you make it through the next hour and a half.

1. If the car, the boat, house or building you are currently in is about to blow up, run quickly towards the nearest person filming the situation. Anybody holding a camera - run towards them and dive in front of them just below the camera’s sight line.

2. In dealing with super-viruses or similar world ending epidemics - you’ll need to locate a good looking female doctor. It doesn’t really matter if she’s a podiatrist or neurosurgeon, as long as she’s wearing a white doctor’s coat and stethoscope when you first find her, she’ll be able to help you with an antidote.

3. Always believe your dreams. They are almost always 100% accurate in predicting the future.

4. When being shot at don’t worry because whoever is shooting at you is most likely the worst shot in the world. If you have a gun or get a chance to pick one up, shoot in their general direction and you’ll take them out. Or you can always throw a knife at them.

5. If you do get shot, it’ll just be a flesh wound. You’ll still be able to do whatever you want unlike your regular unmovielike life where a paper cut will generally ruin your day.

6. If you need to locate a villain, look in Chinatown.

7. It will take you two tries to diffuse the bomb. No matter what you do your first attempt will only cause the bomb to begin counting down twice as fast. In the end it’s just best to close your eyes and cut a random wire.

8. When trying to escape if somebody’s chasing you, look for a bus - but not to get on and ride. Simply head for the other side of the bus, and when it moves out of the way, you’ll be gone. Trains also work well in situations like this.

9. If you find yourself hiccuping, coughing, or sneezing you are not in a movie situation. These things just don’t happen. Unless somebody around you coughs. They are most likely terminally ill and about to die.

10. If you have to kill a bad guy, you probably are going to need to chop his head off as any other method - shooting, stabbing, burning, drowning, pushing down stairs, or simply beating - is going to allow him to get back up and try to kill you again.

These ‘rules’ should keep you alive if your life happens to become a movie. If you think I’ve forgotten an important one, please share with us as the safety of the world might depend on it.

Occasionally I like to reach into the mailbag to help out my readers. Today, I received this email:

Dear How2Blogger,

I’ve encountered a problem that I was hoping you might be able to help me with. In the past week I’ve performed 10 muggings. Of those 10 muggings, 5 of the muggees we’re able to persuade me to let them be by brandishing nun-chucks, and 1 of those 5 actually demanded $10 dollars from me. Also, one of those pairs of nun-chucks appeared to be homemade - fashioned from some sort of chair legs. I had already taken several blows to the head earlier that evening from another muggee so I just gave up on that one.

So, four pairs of ‘authentic’ nun-chucks and 1 homemade pair. That’s a nun-chuck rate of 50 percent of my attempted muggings for the week which represents a 150 percent increase from the previous 5 weeks average. I have no doubt that this correlates directly to your recently published article: “How To Effectively Neutralize A Mugger.“

What can I do to counteract a muggee carrying nun-chucks? It’s the holidays and I simply can’t continue returning home empty handed. We’re taking the kids to the islands this year for Christmas, but that’s looking more and more difficult.

Sincerely,

John

P.S. I love the blog!

John, I feel for you. Being hit in the head or kneed in the testes isn’t fun for anybody. So, because I feel partially responsible and I understand that your family needs to eat too:

How To Effectively Neutralize A Muggee Carrying Nun-Chucks

1. Determine if the muggee that is brandishing the nun-chucks is in fact a ninja.

2. If the muggee is a ninja, sorry John, but it’s times to move on. There’s only one man alive that can stand up to a ninja, and that is Chuck Norris, a.k.a. Walker, Texas Ranger. So if you are not in fact Chuck Norris, select a new victim.

3. If the muggee that is brandishing the nun-chucks is not a ninja, then we can proceed.

4. But before we can proceed, we need to look at how you are preparing yourself for your muggings. What equipment should you have anytime you are going out to do muggings?

• Tennis shoes. Important for quick get aways, as well as being fleet of foot against a muggee swinging nun-chucks.
• Water Bottle. The body requires water everyday. And in physically demanding work like construction, modeling, and mugging, staying hydrated will help you make it to the next gig.
• Nondescript Hooded Sweatshirt. An extremely important piece of equipment that will help you blend in, but also, in the event of non-ninja-wielded nun-chucks, you will be able to use it’s defensive powers.
• Pocket Knife. Important, but unfortunately ineffective against the superior weapons class of nun-chucks.

5. Before engaging the crazed nun-chuck muggee, raise your hood in case of accidental contact with the nun-chucks. It will dampen the blow.

6. Approach the muggee using angles. If you’re unfamiliar with this concept, watch a boxing match or a mixed martial arts cage fight. The announcers always talk about angles.

7. Using your angles begin moving your head in an up and down bobbing motion while swinging it back and forth side to side as randomly as possible. A moving target is always more difficult to hit. And given that we’ve determined the muggee is not a ninja, we can also assume that their aim is probably not (but may be) super duper accurate.

8. Get in as close to the muggee as possible while bobbing and weaving on your angles all the while avoiding being hit.

9. That is the real key to this process: avoid being hit with the nun-chucks. It hurts. Trust me. I can’t stress this enough. Avoid being hit by the nun-chucks.

10. Once you are in close, reach around in a bear hug like manner and pull the muggees shirt up over their head. I don’t know if you’ve ever had your shirt pulled up over your head, but it makes it really hard to see anything, let alone swing nun-chucks. Think about hockey players fighting. Jab jab, yank jersey over head. This will render the nun-chucks mostly ineffective. They still might get a lucky shot in, but there’s nothing we can do about that.

John, I hope this levels the playing field a bit and helps you out. Good luck with future muggings and thank for reading. I bet the kids would really enjoy Jamaica at Christmas!

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How To Decide Who Will Stay Behind To Detonate The Bomb

1. Flip a coin

2. Draw straws (a.k.a. Draw For The Short Stick) or sticks or similar object

3. Rock, paper, scissors

4. The oldest

5. The person looking for meaning to their death

6. The terminally ill

7. Duck, duck, goose

8. “Not it!”

9. Draw for high card

10. Draw for low card