Occasionally I like to reach into the mailbag to help out my readers. Today, I received this email:

Dear How2Blogger,

I’ve encountered a problem that I was hoping you might be able to help me with. In the past week I’ve performed 10 muggings. Of those 10 muggings, 5 of the muggees we’re able to persuade me to let them be by brandishing nun-chucks, and 1 of those 5 actually demanded $10 dollars from me. Also, one of those pairs of nun-chucks appeared to be homemade - fashioned from some sort of chair legs. I had already taken several blows to the head earlier that evening from another muggee so I just gave up on that one.

So, four pairs of ‘authentic’ nun-chucks and 1 homemade pair. That’s a nun-chuck rate of 50 percent of my attempted muggings for the week which represents a 150 percent increase from the previous 5 weeks average. I have no doubt that this correlates directly to your recently published article: “How To Effectively Neutralize A Mugger.“

What can I do to counteract a muggee carrying nun-chucks? It’s the holidays and I simply can’t continue returning home empty handed. We’re taking the kids to the islands this year for Christmas, but that’s looking more and more difficult.

Sincerely,

John

P.S. I love the blog!

John, I feel for you. Being hit in the head or kneed in the testes isn’t fun for anybody. So, because I feel partially responsible and I understand that your family needs to eat too:

How To Effectively Neutralize A Muggee Carrying Nun-Chucks

1. Determine if the muggee that is brandishing the nun-chucks is in fact a ninja.

2. If the muggee is a ninja, sorry John, but it’s times to move on. There’s only one man alive that can stand up to a ninja, and that is Chuck Norris, a.k.a. Walker, Texas Ranger. So if you are not in fact Chuck Norris, select a new victim.

3. If the muggee that is brandishing the nun-chucks is not a ninja, then we can proceed.

4. But before we can proceed, we need to look at how you are preparing yourself for your muggings. What equipment should you have anytime you are going out to do muggings?

• Tennis shoes. Important for quick get aways, as well as being fleet of foot against a muggee swinging nun-chucks.
• Water Bottle. The body requires water everyday. And in physically demanding work like construction, modeling, and mugging, staying hydrated will help you make it to the next gig.
• Nondescript Hooded Sweatshirt. An extremely important piece of equipment that will help you blend in, but also, in the event of non-ninja-wielded nun-chucks, you will be able to use it’s defensive powers.
• Pocket Knife. Important, but unfortunately ineffective against the superior weapons class of nun-chucks.

5. Before engaging the crazed nun-chuck muggee, raise your hood in case of accidental contact with the nun-chucks. It will dampen the blow.

6. Approach the muggee using angles. If you’re unfamiliar with this concept, watch a boxing match or a mixed martial arts cage fight. The announcers always talk about angles.

7. Using your angles begin moving your head in an up and down bobbing motion while swinging it back and forth side to side as randomly as possible. A moving target is always more difficult to hit. And given that we’ve determined the muggee is not a ninja, we can also assume that their aim is probably not (but may be) super duper accurate.

8. Get in as close to the muggee as possible while bobbing and weaving on your angles all the while avoiding being hit.

9. That is the real key to this process: avoid being hit with the nun-chucks. It hurts. Trust me. I can’t stress this enough. Avoid being hit by the nun-chucks.

10. Once you are in close, reach around in a bear hug like manner and pull the muggees shirt up over their head. I don’t know if you’ve ever had your shirt pulled up over your head, but it makes it really hard to see anything, let alone swing nun-chucks. Think about hockey players fighting. Jab jab, yank jersey over head. This will render the nun-chucks mostly ineffective. They still might get a lucky shot in, but there’s nothing we can do about that.

John, I hope this levels the playing field a bit and helps you out. Good luck with future muggings and thank for reading. I bet the kids would really enjoy Jamaica at Christmas!

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