Posted on Dec 22, 2007 under How To Blog, How To Reviews |
1. Be one of the first residents to own a computer.
2. Be the first to learn how to turn that computer on.
3. Don’t try to hide from your family, in fact, have a whole category dedicated to them titled: Redneck Antics.
Include in this section such classic examples of West Virginia literature as:
4. Because of the fast pace of life in West Virginia, if you want to really dominate the blogging scene you’re going to have to learn to multi-task.
5. Typing is one thing, but if you actually know how to say and use in your posts big computer words like “DNS or Google,” shoot, you’re probably not going to just dominate the Dubya V Blogging Scene, but you’ll probably be elected President of West Virginia.
6. Replace drinking water with Bud Light.
7. To encourage other West Virginia Bloggers to link to you, host WV Blogging Socials - provide plenty of Bud Light, a hot tub, and maybe the latest gadgets to wow the other WV Bloggers.
8. And finally, to really dominate the West Virginia Blogging Scene - make sure to include plenty of photos of yourself modeling your favorite blogging outfits.
This post was part of How2Blogger’s ‘How To Reviews’. If you’d like to be reviewed by How2Blogger you can find out how to on the review page.
Occasionally I like to reach into the mailbag to help out my readers. Today, I received this email:
Dear How2Blogger,
I’ve encountered a problem that I was hoping you might be able to help me with. In the past week I’ve performed 10 muggings. Of those 10 muggings, 5 of the muggees we’re able to persuade me to let them be by brandishing nun-chucks, and 1 of those 5 actually demanded $10 dollars from me. Also, one of those pairs of nun-chucks appeared to be homemade - fashioned from some sort of chair legs. I had already taken several blows to the head earlier that evening from another muggee so I just gave up on that one.
So, four pairs of ‘authentic’ nun-chucks and 1 homemade pair. That’s a nun-chuck rate of 50 percent of my attempted muggings for the week which represents a 150 percent increase from the previous 5 weeks average. I have no doubt that this correlates directly to your recently published article: “How To Effectively Neutralize A Mugger.“
What can I do to counteract a muggee carrying nun-chucks? It’s the holidays and I simply can’t continue returning home empty handed. We’re taking the kids to the islands this year for Christmas, but that’s looking more and more difficult.
Sincerely,
John
P.S. I love the blog!
John, I feel for you. Being hit in the head or kneed in the testes isn’t fun for anybody. So, because I feel partially responsible and I understand that your family needs to eat too:
How To Effectively Neutralize A Muggee Carrying Nun-Chucks
1. Determine if the muggee that is brandishing the nun-chucks is in fact a ninja.
2. If the muggee is a ninja, sorry John, but it’s times to move on. There’s only one man alive that can stand up to a ninja, and that is Chuck Norris, a.k.a. Walker, Texas Ranger. So if you are not in fact Chuck Norris, select a new victim.
3. If the muggee that is brandishing the nun-chucks is not a ninja, then we can proceed.
4. But before we can proceed, we need to look at how you are preparing yourself for your muggings. What equipment should you have anytime you are going out to do muggings?
- Tennis shoes. Important for quick get aways, as well as being fleet of foot against a muggee swinging nun-chucks.
- Water Bottle. The body requires water everyday. And in physically demanding work like construction, modeling, and mugging, staying hydrated will help you make it to the next gig.
- Nondescript Hooded Sweatshirt. An extremely important piece of equipment that will help you blend in, but also, in the event of non-ninja-wielded nun-chucks, you will be able to use it’s defensive powers.
- Pocket Knife. Important, but unfortunately ineffective against the superior weapons class of nun-chucks.
5. Before engaging the crazed nun-chuck muggee, raise your hood in case of accidental contact with the nun-chucks. It will dampen the blow.
6. Approach the muggee using angles. If you’re unfamiliar with this concept, watch a boxing match or a mixed martial arts cage fight. The announcers always talk about angles.
7. Using your angles begin moving your head in an up and down bobbing motion while swinging it back and forth side to side as randomly as possible. A moving target is always more difficult to hit. And given that we’ve determined the muggee is not a ninja, we can also assume that their aim is probably not (but may be) super duper accurate.
8. Get in as close to the muggee as possible while bobbing and weaving on your angles all the while avoiding being hit.
9. That is the real key to this process: avoid being hit with the nun-chucks. It hurts. Trust me. I can’t stress this enough. Avoid being hit by the nun-chucks.
10. Once you are in close, reach around in a bear hug like manner and pull the muggees shirt up over their head. I don’t know if you’ve ever had your shirt pulled up over your head, but it makes it really hard to see anything, let alone swing nun-chucks. Think about hockey players fighting. Jab jab, yank jersey over head. This will render the nun-chucks mostly ineffective. They still might get a lucky shot in, but there’s nothing we can do about that.
John, I hope this levels the playing field a bit and helps you out. Good luck with future muggings and thank for reading. I bet the kids would really enjoy Jamaica at Christmas!
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Posted on Nov 20, 2007 under How To Mechanic |
How To Jump Start Your Car
1. Make sure it’s snowing out.
2. Sleep in for an extra hour because you have the day off and your wife left for work already and the kid is at school. You’re alone in the house with just the dog. Celebrate by deciding to wear your pajama pants all day.
3. Sit down with the paper and open it to the crossword. Get excited because you don’t ever get to do the crossword - not that you ever do crosswords, but you never get the chance.
4. Answer 5 across - four letters “A Baldwin Bro” -Alec.
5. Read through the other clues carefully. Read them one more time to be sure.
6. Skip the crossword.
7. Decide to go grab a burger from a drive thru.
8. Grab your keys and put on some boots since it’s still snowing pretty good.
9. Start the car, but realize you forgot your wallet since you’re still in your pajama pants. Leave the car running to warm it up while you run inside to get your wallet.
10. Realize at the house door that you can’t unlock the house without your keys still in the car. Then realize that you locked the car door out of habit as you got out of it.
11. Watch the car die as it apparently runs out of gas as you’re waiting for the locksmith you called from your neighbors phone and who you’ve talked to probably once since you moved in and that was just a hey how are you? but now you’re trying to make small talk mostly about how stupid you are for locking your keys in your car while it’s snowing outside and you’re still celebrating your day off by staying in your pajama pants.
12. Call the tow guy to jump start your car after the locksmith unlocks it.
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